So I promised myself a long time ago I would never write a blog.
But this summer while I was a youth intern, I heard a message that broke my heart and pissed me off and I wanted to write a blog about it to tell girls the truth behind True Love Waits messages. But I didn’t and God reminded me this week about it. And He WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT IT. So here I am writing this one blog post hoping it will reach some ears needing to hear it.
So here goes.
The infamous “True Love Waits” message has good intentions, it really does. And so do the people who teach it. But somehow it has turned into a super condemning crappy message for two main reasons:
1) It tells non-virgins that they are beyond redemption and it will be impossible for them to have happy marriages ever.
2) It tells virgins their lives will be perfect if they wait for Mr. Perfect and marriage to have sex.
So I’ll address the first lie first. Non-virgins, you are not beyond redemption and you are not less desirable than virgins and you can still have a wonderful marriage. God’s business is fixing and loving broken people. You are not more broken than virgins. The truth is that we are all broken without Jesus to put the pieces of us back together. He makes us beautiful in his eyes when he redeems us and loves us.
Our beauty is not decided by our sexual status, it is defined by a savior who died for us when we were broken.
So if you have ever seen that horrible rose illustration, where everybody passes around a rose and touches it and the leader takes it at the end and asks “Now who wants this ugly used up rose?” just know that JESUS WANTS THAT ROSE. (I can’t take credit for that, it is from Matt Chandler so you should look it up).
Thinking things we have done in the past make us too ugly or broken to ever be fixed or beautiful again is another form of pride. Neither your brokenness, my brokenness, nor her brokenness are too big for the creator of our hearts to put back together more beautifully than ever before.
We are just like Israel, sinning and returning to God for him to redeem us time and time again. And He does, every single time, because He loves broken people. So ladies (and gentlemen), bring your brokenness before God and he will fix it.
He will also make it possible for non-virgins to have wonderful marriages, because praise the Lord, our futures are not defined by our pasts. And ladies, you also deserve a wonderful Godly man. Your marriage’s success will be defined by how you pursue God in it, not by if you made mistakes or not before marriage.
So whenever somebody tries to tell you it would be impossible for you to have a good marriage because you have had sex with somebody other than your husband, please please please do not believe them. Its just not true.
So now for the second lie. Virgins, just because you are a virgin doesn’t mean your marriage will be perfect because you wait for Mr. Perfect and a ring. Nor does it mean you are better or more desirable than a non-virgin. I doubt there is a girl alive today who could honestly admit she has never lusted after a picture of Ryan Gosling. Lets not even try to deny it, ok?
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:28
Looks like us virgins are guilty of adultery too even if we did not commit the act physically. So ladies, please don’t be like I was in high school and get tricked into thinking you are less broken or more desirable than non-virgins, because you are broken too. You need Jesus just as much as a prostitute. And He will heal and redeem you just like He healed the woman at the well in John 4.
Your marriage will also be defined by how you pursue God in it. It will not be perfect because perfect things don’t exist this side of Heaven. Same goes for your husband. You cannot make your marriage perfect by waiting for marriage to have sex, that is ridiculously prideful. But God can redeem it (and you) and make it beautiful and use it for his glory.
When our Sunday School teachers and speakers at events tell us these messages they don’t intend to lie to us. The messages have good things to say:
1) It really is good to wait for marriage to have sex. The Bible says so.
2) There are consequences to having sex before marriage, like STD’s, pregnancy, and emotional baggage.
3) It is a sign of a Godly man that He does not pressure to have sex. LADIES, LOOK FOR A MAN LIKE THIS. But don’t assume he is a horrible person if he screws up. Because we all screw up.
But unfortunately, I have yet to hear a True Love Waits message that doesn’t send the message that your brokenness is too big to be fixed.
I feel like the trend is to say, “if you have sex, you are broken, and sure God can fix that, but lets forget about that fact and concentrate on how broken you are.”
A lot of sweet Godly ladies have accidentally emphasized our brokenness more than they have emphasized God’s grace and redemption and love.
I nearly left a Sunday School class one time because one of my closest friends, who I know is not a virgin, had to sit there and hear from her Sunday School teachers that her brokenness was bigger than Jesus’s ability to fix her and love her.
I pray no girls ever have to hear that ever again.
I pray no girls ever have to get lied to and led to believe their lives are going to be perfect because they waited until marriage.
At the end of the day, we are all broken and in need of redemption. And Jesus died for us to know that redemption. So lets live in that freedom instead of lies.